There is a sickness, there is a need, there is a yearning inside that has to feed.
I need it like a drug an addiction I've never even tasted.
Lost in the shuffle of being a nobody, my times wasted.
This need that must feed, this hurt that must burst
Haunts me day and night as it starves me of my thirst.
A junkie at best with nothing to show
This nothingness has brought me so low.
Who am I but a nobody that deserves nothing?
But a somebody came along and said hi to me, he said why to me.
We talked hours long and he sang me a song.
He took off his crown and placed it on my head.
Your worth it to me he said.
He fell at his words and in that moment he was dead.
I cried for I still felting like " who am I"
I cannot disgrace this crown on my head, but this world laughs at me.
How am I, little old me supposed to shine with glory?
How can I do this will I ever succeed?
I feel it burn inside me, he made me much more.
Get up I say, get off this floor.
Don't you hear the knocking? Open up your door.
Unworthy, ashamed a no named
Yet I wear this crown on my head and that one somebody is now dead.
So lost, confused, so broken and abused.
Who am I but a nothing, a fool to think this world would care for me.
To them I am still a nobody.
I thought they would see it, I thought this crown would make me shine.
Like an Heir to her fortune drinking fancy wine.
My crown of worth gave me dirt and told me to be clean.
My dirt, my hurt, my sufferance. My pain, my shame my ugliness.
It all changed when I saw the truth, I didn't deserve the crown I wore.
I realized I never would, but I could.
I will change I will shine I will become the water turned to wine.
The people will cheer for me, even if they don't know why.
In that very moment I will cry.
For I will know its not me at all, it is the one who gave me his crown and the decision to accept his call.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Became
Exposure is the closure
Resistance is the persistence
Pain is the gain
Run is the gun
Strange is the change
Strife is the knife
Free is the plea
I is the me
Indifference is the sufferance
Mine is the crime
Light became the fight
Broken became the token
Resistance is the persistence
Pain is the gain
Run is the gun
Strange is the change
Strife is the knife
Free is the plea
I is the me
Indifference is the sufferance
Mine is the crime
Light became the fight
Broken became the token
Enemy
You only see me
but you don't see beneath me.
I am so big inside
but you just see that I am small.
You seek the joy of the ride
but you neglect the call.
I have much for you , but you refuse.
Too afraid to be used.
I am not the betrayer, the destroyer
I am but just me.
I am here for you, to care for you
You can't believe its true.
I knock at your door.
Yet you just ignore
Don't you see it was not me who caused you harm.
I am not the one to cause alarm.
Can't you, won't you, please, please see.
I am not your enemy.
but you don't see beneath me.
I am so big inside
but you just see that I am small.
You seek the joy of the ride
but you neglect the call.
I have much for you , but you refuse.
Too afraid to be used.
I am not the betrayer, the destroyer
I am but just me.
I am here for you, to care for you
You can't believe its true.
I knock at your door.
Yet you just ignore
Don't you see it was not me who caused you harm.
I am not the one to cause alarm.
Can't you, won't you, please, please see.
I am not your enemy.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
When the darkness grips
Emotions are the ocean that I am drowning in today.
My feelings are leading me astray.
Numb and cold, broken like the rhythm of the rain.
Locked and lonely in my pain.
Go away, I scream!
There is no vacancy in this heart of mine.
I see that you will be here till the end of time.
But you can not control me, you can not keep hold of me.
Lord wrap me in your arms,warm me.
Savior you have me I belong to you.
I rest in you today to take it all away.
Remind me of my way.
My feelings are leading me astray.
Numb and cold, broken like the rhythm of the rain.
Locked and lonely in my pain.
Go away, I scream!
There is no vacancy in this heart of mine.
I see that you will be here till the end of time.
But you can not control me, you can not keep hold of me.
Lord wrap me in your arms,warm me.
Savior you have me I belong to you.
I rest in you today to take it all away.
Remind me of my way.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Broken Within - FastPencil
Broken Within - FastPencil
In memory of Brandon Lee Herbst, my brother who I lost long ago. Today is his birthday, which seems like the best day to release a book inspired by him. When I lost my brother everything went dark. My life was an internal struggle daily. Broken Within is the first of a trilogy that displays my fight, my struggles and my journey. Many of my friends and family only saw pieces of me, but Broken Within begins a tale that expresses the pain and depression I struggled with. Back then I wanted to die too, I hated my existence and found no worth in myself. As you read Broken Within you will walk with Selene and find her battle relate able, if you have battled temptation, betrayl and depression. A spiritual war at its best where Selene rejects her soul into the abyss of her mind, where Abaddon the destroyer lurks, and God grips onto her heart. Broken Within is deep, it's dark and it's just the beginning....
In memory of Brandon Lee Herbst, my brother who I lost long ago. Today is his birthday, which seems like the best day to release a book inspired by him. When I lost my brother everything went dark. My life was an internal struggle daily. Broken Within is the first of a trilogy that displays my fight, my struggles and my journey. Many of my friends and family only saw pieces of me, but Broken Within begins a tale that expresses the pain and depression I struggled with. Back then I wanted to die too, I hated my existence and found no worth in myself. As you read Broken Within you will walk with Selene and find her battle relate able, if you have battled temptation, betrayl and depression. A spiritual war at its best where Selene rejects her soul into the abyss of her mind, where Abaddon the destroyer lurks, and God grips onto her heart. Broken Within is deep, it's dark and it's just the beginning....
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Another poem
Tomorrow came already today
The tears showed me the way.
The pain in my heart showed itself at the start.
The abandonment and fear came so near.
I see it when it comes, I know it's just an emotion.
I fall to my knees in devotion.
I've got it's number now as it taunts me.
I know the reason it haunts me.
It may take my breath away, but it doesn't stay.
I scream and fight as I push it away.
This year I look it dead in the face, instead of running without a trace.
I call it by its name, I tell the whole world about its game... I have no shame.
I lay it down with a heavy track, there ain't no going back.
Bolted down rods of steel, a lifetime of pain revealed.
For you for me, for all to see the light that shone down on my misery.
Healing is real, grace is enough even for a life that has been too rough.
The tears showed me the way.
The pain in my heart showed itself at the start.
The abandonment and fear came so near.
I see it when it comes, I know it's just an emotion.
I fall to my knees in devotion.
I've got it's number now as it taunts me.
I know the reason it haunts me.
It may take my breath away, but it doesn't stay.
I scream and fight as I push it away.
This year I look it dead in the face, instead of running without a trace.
I call it by its name, I tell the whole world about its game... I have no shame.
I lay it down with a heavy track, there ain't no going back.
Bolted down rods of steel, a lifetime of pain revealed.
For you for me, for all to see the light that shone down on my misery.
Healing is real, grace is enough even for a life that has been too rough.
Broken Within..Ch 2
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Chapter 2
When I got home that night, I went to my room and stayed there for what seemed to be a century. It could have been a day, a week, or even a month for all I knew. I remembered family members coming in and out, but I barely remembered a conversation. My mom came in one day; she repeated my name until I gave her eye contact. She told me she understood my pain and we were all in this together as a family. She told me I could no longer lie in my bed and I needed to continue on with daily life. She didn’t expect me to fake it or act like it was okay. I was only expected to pick myself up and move forward one step at a time.
I agreed that this was what I needed to do as much as I hated the thought of it. I came out with the rest of my family, and then it hit me, my two younger siblings still had each other. Dustin and Destiny had been born nineteen months apart to my mom and stepdad. Destiny was a beautiful girl with hazel eyes. I was jealous of her beautiful dark curls. Dustin resembled my step-dad more than Destiny did but he still shared the dark eyes that Levi and I had. Both of them were olive skinned and tall for their ages. I was jealous of that too.
Dustin and Destiny were both much younger than I was, by seven to eight and a half years. They were like Levi and I had been. They were always together and laughing about something only they got. Although Dustin was the youngest he looked after Destiny the way Levi had done with me. It pained me in a way that made it impossible to talk to them.
My mom and my step-dad Tom were serving dinner, my mom’s famous and delicious potato soup, or, as we called it, potato poop. It was childish and silly, and the soup was nothing like poop at all, but the name still stuck. I kept to my soup and felt that making it this far was an improvement, but no way was I ready for conversation. I finished my dinner, told my mother thank you, and took my bowl to the kitchen.
My mom touched my arm as I was at the sink. “Selene, I want you to try school tomorrow.”
I felt the clump in my throat and felt like I wanted to cry. I knew my mom was a persistent Italian woman who would not take “no” for an answer. I faced her and saw into her caramel eyes. She was wearing her red lipstick on her thin lips. She was much shorter than I was and she had the same tight lock curls that Levi had. I wish I got the curls instead of this frizzy wave. As I considered my response I thought about my obsessive desire to please my mother.
“Yes, Mom, I will try.” I said it as I looked to the ground. I went to my room and put on Levi’s obnoxious vintage Grateful Dead T-shirt. It still smelled like him. I hated this shirt when he was alive, he wore it all the time and I always told him I was going to burn it someday. I had taken several things to keep him close, including his pillow, which I rested my head on and drifted off to sleep.
-First Day Back-
Today was the day I dreaded. I knew it would be bad. Yet I was nowhere near prepared for how it would make me feel to face all the happy teens around me. Or, even worse, listening to other girls whine about their stupid problems. I hated the pretty pink shirts and the rosy cheeks the girls around me so confidently sported. Even through my olive complexion, I had a pale and so not rosy look. I didn’t really do my hair. I had on baggy jeans and a comfy hoodie covering my brother’s Grateful Dead tee from last night. I just couldn’t take it off.
I had walked into the front doors after sitting alone on the bus. It was nice that no one talked to me. They didn’t look at me, and they didn’t even seem to notice I was there. I liked that feeling. I carried my invisibility with me and held onto it until Bailey found me at lunch. Actually, I stayed outside the lunch hall in fear. I had just passed the very payphone I had used to call my mom and find out that my brother was for sure dead. I was frozen in a nightmarish flashback when Bailey tapped my shoulder. I looked up out of my daze and gave a nod of acknowledgment.
“Selene, come in with me so you’re not alone.”
I followed her, still feeling odd and thinking she didn’t know anything about being alone. What did any of these ungrateful kids know about pain and loneliness? I knew I was being a little melodramatic and judgmental so I just got in line and went through the motions of lunch. I didn’t really eat the disgusting lasagna they called food. I was happy when the warning bell rang and I was able to dump my food in the trash and go to my next class.
I was practically running, and I smacked right into Brice, a boy I had had a crush on since last year. He was average height and solid muscle and made a great addition to our football team. Great! To make things even better, I must have looked like Night of the Living Dead right now, and I felt like a fool. Brice grabbed my arms and helped me not fall to the ground. I looked into his ice-blue eyes and felt the smallest little spark, like that of a match that didn’t catch and just flickered for a mere second. Although my heart was dead and there was no emotion, I felt for a tiny moment that there may be hope.
Then Brice said, “Hey, are you okay?”
Oh, I was still standing there like an idiot. “Um, yeah—I mean, yes, I’m okay. I’m really sorry. I wasn’t really watching where I was going.”
Brice frowned and looked deep into my eyes. “Selene, I am sorry to hear that Levi died, and it’s okay that you tried to bulldoze over me. You can run into me anytime.” He flashed a sweet smile.
Had Brice ever meet someone with a great loss in his life? I would have to say no. He totally pissed me off. Didn’t he know you shouldn’t bring up people dying? You also shouldn’t flirt with the dead girl. Grr! I normally would have been gushing to all my now non-friends about Brice talking to me. Now I hated that he flickered something in me. I hated that he could never understand me. And I hated more than anything that now he chose to flirt with me. I was broken and worthless now. I had pain and sadness, anger and hate that seeped through my eyes and burned from my lips. How would anyone in their right mind want to talk to me? I didn’t even want to talk to me. I didn’t want to exist.
I just walked away and kept walking in my own world. I came up with several things I would like to have said. But I didn’t even care to put the energy into it. I got into my desk in English class, and I did the only thing I have ever known to help me get out my thoughts: I wrote.
– Unknown Soul Willing to Be Free –
My eyes stare at me
To figure out who I am
My thoughts just glare at me
I hate, for they can’t win
Nobody knows me
No one really could
Even if they think they should
I sit alone in my life
For I am trapped on the inside
My outer core is all for show
But in my mind I hide
Who would even know
Darkness is where I weep
I walk through the valley of me
Screaming myself to sleep
Lost from all reality
Not knowing how to be free
I fight each night my crying
I struggle to peacefully dream
My soul deep within is dying
Nothing’s as it should seem
Held prisoner by my pain
Afraid to move
Wanting to break the chain
Afraid of what it will prove…
I picked up my pencil, shocked at my own words. I used to be happy and bright. It felt as if a stranger had written those words. I didn’t even know me. I felt so lost and so dead. I knew I was alive. I knew I had a heartbeat, but everything had changed. It seemed impossible to talk to people. I could never walk up to Bailey and say, “So, yeah, I think I died or something. I’m not sure who I am. Want to go get a taco?”
To add to the confusion, I didn’t even know who was a friend anymore. I had pretty much ditched all my friends when Levi was missing months ago. I really didn’t feel like hanging out with the crazy drunkwads. Although it seemed as if Bailey and her friends liked to party and drink too. Was this really what middle schoolers did? Was I just a prude? I knew through this weird bond that Bailey was loyal to me, but would her friends even like me? Was her friendship just temporary till I got my footing? Did I even care?
Before my darkness came, I would have died to be in Bailey’s group. They were the stereotypical image of beautiful, preppy jocks and cheerleaders. They were always walking around in a large group with their heads high and smiles across their faces. Plus the boys were all hot. Bailey had made her way through several guys in the group and almost the whole basketball team.
Bailey was a mean and nasty hateful garden tool. This made her my nemesis prior to Levi’s disappearance. She had made it more than clear that I didn’t belong. It didn’t matter if I had minded my business or not, Bailey always made fun of me and called me “dirty” every time she passed me in the halls. Yet I still dreamed daily to be a part of her world, to be cool and amongst the pretty. I had been envious and shallow.
Now, ironically, inside I had died and I felt closer to her than anyone. I was not too sure what this said about Bailey. I knew she did things only for selfish gain, so why the charity case with me? Did she care, or was she going for the medal of befriending the dead girl? I didn’t really expect anyone to talk to me, and at the moment, I didn’t care if Bailey was using me or not. I was using her in a weird way, and I was happy not to be entirely alone, even if it wouldn’t last.
I seemed to have this trend in my life. I didn’t get to keep people. When I was younger, my father had taken off. He abandoned my mother, brother, and me. That was when the brokenness inside first began to crack. I was hoping that over time it could be mended. I learned to trust my brother as my male role model. I did have my stepdad around since I was five, and he wasn’t a bad guy. I was truly thankful that he had taken us in, but he wasn’t the fatherly type.
Tom wasn’t the one to take you to the park or go on family outings. He was a busy body and always had other things to do. I could always tell the difference in the way he favored Dustin and Destiny. They were sneaky and would set me up to get into trouble and Tom always believed them over me. Oddly enough, I understood it. I never expected him to be like my own dad, because he wasn’t.
In elementary school, I found my best friend Alex, and then she was sent to a different school when her parents were arrested for meth. She moved in with her uncle Trip. It was good for her, and I was glad she was in a better place. But the distance made things harder, and our closeness had died out more and more over the past two years. We were still friends but no longer best friends. I missed our old friendship even more now.
That brought me to losing Levi, the deepest hurt of all. I truly felt like I was not allowed to have love or protection. No men loved me, no boys liked me, and I had no close friends. I felt like it was my curse. I knew I was fifteen, so how could I have been cursed? I always thought about the Old Testament and how family lines were cursed from the deeds of those before them. So maybe the first daughter of Samson August Seele would never be able to know love. Maybe it was a bit ridiculous, and I knew things were supposed to be different because Jesus gave his life for my sins. Heck, I went to church, so I knew all the right answers, but this curse seemed to direct my life a lot more than what they preached. I had only my mom to love me. I wished it could be enough, but the love I craved wasn’t the kind she could offer me.
My next class was science. Hopefully it would be boring and I would have the chance to take a nap. School had never been my strong point, and now I couldn’t care less. If it hadn’t been for my mom telling me that I needed to be the first person in our family to graduate collage, I wouldn’t try to stick with it.
As I walked in the door, I sat in the far back corner at a double table. I put my books down on the floor and then crossed my arms on the table and laid my head down. I was facing the window and watching the rain drizzle down. I felt comfort in the rain. It matched me and my place in life rather well—cold and dark, steady and somber, mysterious and sad. I was lost in the steady beat of the rain tapping the window when I was halfway jolted out of my seat because of books slamming down on my tabletop. I started to yell, “For crying out loud, who do you think you are slamming your boooooo…”
“Really now”? Brice was smiling down at me.
“Brice, who do you think you are? You nearly plowed me over in the hall, and now you are really gonna cause me to want to hurt you.”
Brice laughed. “Selene, you’re like five foot nothing. What do you really think you could do to me?”
That was a great question. What could I do to this arrogant guy who thought he was all big, bad, and tough?
For starters, I glared a death look at him. “You are the lamest guy I have ever met. You are a disgusting excuse of a man, and even though your cheap monkey butt dad goes around telling everyone about his star football-playing son, you suck and you are nothing!”
Brice’s jaw dropped and I blushed, I couldn’t believe how easy it was to be so mean.
Everyone had stopped their conversation to stare at us. Brice laughed at me, but everyone knew his laugh was more of a nervous laugh. I had gotten to him, and I hurt him. I was so tired of guys hurting me. It was time not to let them get away with being such jerks. Brice sat down next to me. I was sure he wanted to sit elsewhere, but our teacher, Mr. Sands told him to sit as the bell rang. Brice kept looking at me.
Finally he whispered over to me, “Selene, you bulldozed me, first of all. Second, are you completely oblivious to a guy flirting with you? The first rule is not to humiliate said guy.”
I was shocked he had the B. A. double L’s to talk to me after that.
“Brice, why would you want to flirt with a girl like me? My hair’s all frizzy, I have no makeup on, and I look like I just crawled out of a tomb. I couldn’t even promise you that I brushed my teeth this morning. My brother just died. Do you really think I want to shack up with some jock?”
He was smirking at me now. “I didn’t ask you to ‘shack up’ with me.” (He air quoted with his fingers when he said “shack up.”) “And if you ask me, so many girls wear too much makeup. I bet you feel all dead inside, but I saw a spark in your eyes earlier, and it just drew me in.”
Shikes! Why couldn’t people just let me be, and why, oh why, did he have to see the spark?
“Okay, fine, I am a terrible liar so I won’t lie about the spark, but I have to really question your sanity, superstar jock falling for the gloomy dead girl.”
“If you haven’t noticed, Selene, every girl around here is all peppy and in love with me. I can say and do what I want, and they just smile and grin at me. That just isn’t much fun. I think I can safely say that you won’t be all starry-eyed and dreamy about me.”
I muscled up a small smile. “You got that right!” They were the first light-hearted words I had spoken in a very long time, and it seemed very foreign. It almost hurt to feel anything. I almost hated Brice for making a part of me feel. I was even feeling guilty about thinking about hating him. My mom had always taught me what horrible sin it was to hate. Plus how could I hate the one person who brought feelings to me?
Although we had had this whole mushy encounter, I let our conversation die, and after class I went out in a flurry. Okay, so I felt something. That didn’t mean I wanted to be all into him or that it made sense to me. Truly, the minute you were no longer all into a boy, he liked you. I just wanted to get through my day, get home to my empty room and my empty life, and go to sleep. I carried on through the day with my invisibility, thankfully, and made it home.
Our house wasn’t much, just a tiny place that barely fit my family, but the roof didn’t leak and the fridge had food in it. Dustin and Destiny shared a room, but I assumed Dustin would eventually take over Levi’s room. That would be when we all could handle going in there. I had the smallest room in the house, and I was convinced it had no insulation. I had a bed and a dresser and enough floor space to change my clothes. I also had a closet that had to fit my whole life in it. It was my space, though, and truly I wanted to spend the rest of my life in my bed anyway. I threw my backpack down by my dresser and a pile of dirty clothes. I unlaced my ever-so-famous and favorite lace-up boots and tossed them into my opened closet door. I crawled into bed and covered up.
I was just about to fall asleep when the annoying ring of my cell phone went off. It sounded so happy and chipper and totally not me. I hadn’t changed it since I died inside, and I needed to find a more fitting ringtone. It was an unknown number. Normally I would have hit “ignore” and gone back to falling asleep, but I was intrigued as to who would be calling me. I hadn’t had a call in over a month. Most of my conversations were through text or IM.
“Hello, house of dead.”
Okay, it was lame, but it felt like the appropriate way to answer.
“Seriously, Selene, is that how you answer a phone? That isn’t even funny, and it is highly inappropriate.”
Crap! My mom’s voice rang through with hurt and disgust. I felt like the biggest schmuck alive.
“Sorry, Mom, you’re right. Won’t happen again.”
“That’s right it won’t happen again, and if it does, you won’t get the privilege of owning a phone. I know you are upset and today was probably a rough day. That’s why I snuck onto a reserved line at work to call you.”
I was a jack. It was really sweet of her to risk getting in trouble at work to call me.
“I am upset, Mom, but thank you for calling. I just really want to go to bed and be done for today, okay?”
My mom got her mommy voice and was all soothing and went on about how this was hard for all of us and how I couldn’t just sleep it away. She told me that she was glad I made it through day one, but tomorrow was day two. Ugh, I could not stand how she was just up and ready to move on. Couldn’t we all just be okay with dying inside? How was she even managing? I listened to her speech, and I knew as much as I wanted to be mad and yell at her, she was all I had left. I wanted her to be happy even if I couldn’t be. If us moving forward was how she thought she could find her happiness, then I would do it for her.
“Okay, I get it, Mom. I will get out of bed and do something normal kids do, okay?”
She let out a sigh. “Selene, I’m not asking you to fake it through life. Remember, one step at a time. I just need you to try and push yourself a little at a time. You’ll see. It will get better. It hurts, but WE didn’t die. We are supposed to honor Levi by getting through it and becoming stronger.”
I could hear her voice crack.
“All right, Mom, strength—I will find my strength. Love you. Bye.” I hung up as she was telling me she loved me. I understood what I must do, for Mom. I needed to pick my chin up, find my strength, and go on with daily life.
I didn’t think she understood how dead inside I was, but I couldn’t hurt her even more now by telling her that. I might not ever heal. I couldn’t seem to find the light no matter how hard I looked for it. I was trapped deep within my broken dark and damp soul. If my mom was finding the way to heal, I was happy that she could, and I would not be a burden. I could do this much for her. I could fake it through and find a way to go through the motions.
I went out to the kitchen and did the dishes. This was the chore that I hated most on the list of things to do. After that task was complete, I decided to do homework. I more just stared at it and tried scribbling mumbo jumbo in the spaces. It got done, but who knows about it even being close to right.
I heard my mom’s car pull in the garage, so I stayed in my spot, pretending to double-check my answers. Mom, Dustin, and Destiny walked in. D and D were both talking at the same time, telling Mom about their day at school and aftercare. I noticed that Dustin would say something and then Destiny would follow. One of them would make a joke that only they got, and then they would giggle. They were smiling, actually fully smiling and laughing. How could they laugh?
I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe. I felt my esophagus tighten. Why was God so mean? Why? So they got to keep each other. They had their dad, they had each other, and their life wasn’t so empty. Why did everything have to be taken from me? What was so wrong with me? I thought I was a good person. I didn’t go get drunk or high like the other kids. I was a virgin. I even loved my mother. I treated people nice. I went to church and to the teen’s group. So what? What did I ever do wrong that would bring such misery to me? How was I supposed to be all, “Thank you, God, for destroying my life and taking what mattered most to me”?
I had heard the lessons growing up, how God damned the wicked and uplifted the good. What did that make me? What did my God think of me? I really felt like it didn’t matter anymore. I had a place inside me that couldn’t deny that God existed, but really, did it matter what you did with your life? I had tried to do it the right way. I was a rule follower, and I even told my friends they were wrong and never gave into peer pressure. Then I saw girls like Bailey. She was a nasty, jerky, skanky girl, but she still had her daddy, she had her mom and her brother, and she came from money.
To make matters worse, not only did I have all these things taken from me, but also I now had to endure watching my younger siblings have what I didn’t. They were already rude and mean to me, and now they got to dance around and giggle together.
Okay, I needed to breathe. I needed to fake this for my mom. Ugh, I needed to go to sleep. I got up and walked over to my mom. “Hey, I did the dishes and my homework. That’s all I can handle. I love you, but good night.”
She gave me a sad but understanding look. “Selene, I love you too. Do you want me to wake you for dinner?”
“No, I’m not hungry.” I really wasn’t hungry at all. Food just did not seem important now.
“I will excuse you from dinner tonight, but I really want to start doing family dinners. Dustin, Destiny, say good night to your sister.”
Their little snickering and silly banter was interrupted. “Night,” they said at the same time and then went back to being all buddy-buddy.
“Night.” It came out more of a snarl than I intended. I realized that they annoyed me before, but now I didn’t even like them.
I walked off and couldn’t help thinking that a family dinner sounded horrible to me. We normally ate dinner and all, but not like formally at a table as a unit. How could Mom seriously implement an actual “family dinner” when our family was not complete? It was like she just wanted to continue on as if life without Levi was just a different day. I knew I was invited and all, but now I was going to be the outsider. As if life couldn’t get any crappier, now I really just needed to go to sleep. And that was just what I did.
When I got home that night, I went to my room and stayed there for what seemed to be a century. It could have been a day, a week, or even a month for all I knew. I remembered family members coming in and out, but I barely remembered a conversation. My mom came in one day; she repeated my name until I gave her eye contact. She told me she understood my pain and we were all in this together as a family. She told me I could no longer lie in my bed and I needed to continue on with daily life. She didn’t expect me to fake it or act like it was okay. I was only expected to pick myself up and move forward one step at a time.
I agreed that this was what I needed to do as much as I hated the thought of it. I came out with the rest of my family, and then it hit me, my two younger siblings still had each other. Dustin and Destiny had been born nineteen months apart to my mom and stepdad. Destiny was a beautiful girl with hazel eyes. I was jealous of her beautiful dark curls. Dustin resembled my step-dad more than Destiny did but he still shared the dark eyes that Levi and I had. Both of them were olive skinned and tall for their ages. I was jealous of that too.
Dustin and Destiny were both much younger than I was, by seven to eight and a half years. They were like Levi and I had been. They were always together and laughing about something only they got. Although Dustin was the youngest he looked after Destiny the way Levi had done with me. It pained me in a way that made it impossible to talk to them.
My mom and my step-dad Tom were serving dinner, my mom’s famous and delicious potato soup, or, as we called it, potato poop. It was childish and silly, and the soup was nothing like poop at all, but the name still stuck. I kept to my soup and felt that making it this far was an improvement, but no way was I ready for conversation. I finished my dinner, told my mother thank you, and took my bowl to the kitchen.
My mom touched my arm as I was at the sink. “Selene, I want you to try school tomorrow.”
I felt the clump in my throat and felt like I wanted to cry. I knew my mom was a persistent Italian woman who would not take “no” for an answer. I faced her and saw into her caramel eyes. She was wearing her red lipstick on her thin lips. She was much shorter than I was and she had the same tight lock curls that Levi had. I wish I got the curls instead of this frizzy wave. As I considered my response I thought about my obsessive desire to please my mother.
“Yes, Mom, I will try.” I said it as I looked to the ground. I went to my room and put on Levi’s obnoxious vintage Grateful Dead T-shirt. It still smelled like him. I hated this shirt when he was alive, he wore it all the time and I always told him I was going to burn it someday. I had taken several things to keep him close, including his pillow, which I rested my head on and drifted off to sleep.
-First Day Back-
Today was the day I dreaded. I knew it would be bad. Yet I was nowhere near prepared for how it would make me feel to face all the happy teens around me. Or, even worse, listening to other girls whine about their stupid problems. I hated the pretty pink shirts and the rosy cheeks the girls around me so confidently sported. Even through my olive complexion, I had a pale and so not rosy look. I didn’t really do my hair. I had on baggy jeans and a comfy hoodie covering my brother’s Grateful Dead tee from last night. I just couldn’t take it off.
I had walked into the front doors after sitting alone on the bus. It was nice that no one talked to me. They didn’t look at me, and they didn’t even seem to notice I was there. I liked that feeling. I carried my invisibility with me and held onto it until Bailey found me at lunch. Actually, I stayed outside the lunch hall in fear. I had just passed the very payphone I had used to call my mom and find out that my brother was for sure dead. I was frozen in a nightmarish flashback when Bailey tapped my shoulder. I looked up out of my daze and gave a nod of acknowledgment.
“Selene, come in with me so you’re not alone.”
I followed her, still feeling odd and thinking she didn’t know anything about being alone. What did any of these ungrateful kids know about pain and loneliness? I knew I was being a little melodramatic and judgmental so I just got in line and went through the motions of lunch. I didn’t really eat the disgusting lasagna they called food. I was happy when the warning bell rang and I was able to dump my food in the trash and go to my next class.
I was practically running, and I smacked right into Brice, a boy I had had a crush on since last year. He was average height and solid muscle and made a great addition to our football team. Great! To make things even better, I must have looked like Night of the Living Dead right now, and I felt like a fool. Brice grabbed my arms and helped me not fall to the ground. I looked into his ice-blue eyes and felt the smallest little spark, like that of a match that didn’t catch and just flickered for a mere second. Although my heart was dead and there was no emotion, I felt for a tiny moment that there may be hope.
Then Brice said, “Hey, are you okay?”
Oh, I was still standing there like an idiot. “Um, yeah—I mean, yes, I’m okay. I’m really sorry. I wasn’t really watching where I was going.”
Brice frowned and looked deep into my eyes. “Selene, I am sorry to hear that Levi died, and it’s okay that you tried to bulldoze over me. You can run into me anytime.” He flashed a sweet smile.
Had Brice ever meet someone with a great loss in his life? I would have to say no. He totally pissed me off. Didn’t he know you shouldn’t bring up people dying? You also shouldn’t flirt with the dead girl. Grr! I normally would have been gushing to all my now non-friends about Brice talking to me. Now I hated that he flickered something in me. I hated that he could never understand me. And I hated more than anything that now he chose to flirt with me. I was broken and worthless now. I had pain and sadness, anger and hate that seeped through my eyes and burned from my lips. How would anyone in their right mind want to talk to me? I didn’t even want to talk to me. I didn’t want to exist.
I just walked away and kept walking in my own world. I came up with several things I would like to have said. But I didn’t even care to put the energy into it. I got into my desk in English class, and I did the only thing I have ever known to help me get out my thoughts: I wrote.
– Unknown Soul Willing to Be Free –
My eyes stare at me
To figure out who I am
My thoughts just glare at me
I hate, for they can’t win
Nobody knows me
No one really could
Even if they think they should
I sit alone in my life
For I am trapped on the inside
My outer core is all for show
But in my mind I hide
Who would even know
Darkness is where I weep
I walk through the valley of me
Screaming myself to sleep
Lost from all reality
Not knowing how to be free
I fight each night my crying
I struggle to peacefully dream
My soul deep within is dying
Nothing’s as it should seem
Held prisoner by my pain
Afraid to move
Wanting to break the chain
Afraid of what it will prove…
I picked up my pencil, shocked at my own words. I used to be happy and bright. It felt as if a stranger had written those words. I didn’t even know me. I felt so lost and so dead. I knew I was alive. I knew I had a heartbeat, but everything had changed. It seemed impossible to talk to people. I could never walk up to Bailey and say, “So, yeah, I think I died or something. I’m not sure who I am. Want to go get a taco?”
To add to the confusion, I didn’t even know who was a friend anymore. I had pretty much ditched all my friends when Levi was missing months ago. I really didn’t feel like hanging out with the crazy drunkwads. Although it seemed as if Bailey and her friends liked to party and drink too. Was this really what middle schoolers did? Was I just a prude? I knew through this weird bond that Bailey was loyal to me, but would her friends even like me? Was her friendship just temporary till I got my footing? Did I even care?
Before my darkness came, I would have died to be in Bailey’s group. They were the stereotypical image of beautiful, preppy jocks and cheerleaders. They were always walking around in a large group with their heads high and smiles across their faces. Plus the boys were all hot. Bailey had made her way through several guys in the group and almost the whole basketball team.
Bailey was a mean and nasty hateful garden tool. This made her my nemesis prior to Levi’s disappearance. She had made it more than clear that I didn’t belong. It didn’t matter if I had minded my business or not, Bailey always made fun of me and called me “dirty” every time she passed me in the halls. Yet I still dreamed daily to be a part of her world, to be cool and amongst the pretty. I had been envious and shallow.
Now, ironically, inside I had died and I felt closer to her than anyone. I was not too sure what this said about Bailey. I knew she did things only for selfish gain, so why the charity case with me? Did she care, or was she going for the medal of befriending the dead girl? I didn’t really expect anyone to talk to me, and at the moment, I didn’t care if Bailey was using me or not. I was using her in a weird way, and I was happy not to be entirely alone, even if it wouldn’t last.
I seemed to have this trend in my life. I didn’t get to keep people. When I was younger, my father had taken off. He abandoned my mother, brother, and me. That was when the brokenness inside first began to crack. I was hoping that over time it could be mended. I learned to trust my brother as my male role model. I did have my stepdad around since I was five, and he wasn’t a bad guy. I was truly thankful that he had taken us in, but he wasn’t the fatherly type.
Tom wasn’t the one to take you to the park or go on family outings. He was a busy body and always had other things to do. I could always tell the difference in the way he favored Dustin and Destiny. They were sneaky and would set me up to get into trouble and Tom always believed them over me. Oddly enough, I understood it. I never expected him to be like my own dad, because he wasn’t.
In elementary school, I found my best friend Alex, and then she was sent to a different school when her parents were arrested for meth. She moved in with her uncle Trip. It was good for her, and I was glad she was in a better place. But the distance made things harder, and our closeness had died out more and more over the past two years. We were still friends but no longer best friends. I missed our old friendship even more now.
That brought me to losing Levi, the deepest hurt of all. I truly felt like I was not allowed to have love or protection. No men loved me, no boys liked me, and I had no close friends. I felt like it was my curse. I knew I was fifteen, so how could I have been cursed? I always thought about the Old Testament and how family lines were cursed from the deeds of those before them. So maybe the first daughter of Samson August Seele would never be able to know love. Maybe it was a bit ridiculous, and I knew things were supposed to be different because Jesus gave his life for my sins. Heck, I went to church, so I knew all the right answers, but this curse seemed to direct my life a lot more than what they preached. I had only my mom to love me. I wished it could be enough, but the love I craved wasn’t the kind she could offer me.
My next class was science. Hopefully it would be boring and I would have the chance to take a nap. School had never been my strong point, and now I couldn’t care less. If it hadn’t been for my mom telling me that I needed to be the first person in our family to graduate collage, I wouldn’t try to stick with it.
As I walked in the door, I sat in the far back corner at a double table. I put my books down on the floor and then crossed my arms on the table and laid my head down. I was facing the window and watching the rain drizzle down. I felt comfort in the rain. It matched me and my place in life rather well—cold and dark, steady and somber, mysterious and sad. I was lost in the steady beat of the rain tapping the window when I was halfway jolted out of my seat because of books slamming down on my tabletop. I started to yell, “For crying out loud, who do you think you are slamming your boooooo…”
“Really now”? Brice was smiling down at me.
“Brice, who do you think you are? You nearly plowed me over in the hall, and now you are really gonna cause me to want to hurt you.”
Brice laughed. “Selene, you’re like five foot nothing. What do you really think you could do to me?”
That was a great question. What could I do to this arrogant guy who thought he was all big, bad, and tough?
For starters, I glared a death look at him. “You are the lamest guy I have ever met. You are a disgusting excuse of a man, and even though your cheap monkey butt dad goes around telling everyone about his star football-playing son, you suck and you are nothing!”
Brice’s jaw dropped and I blushed, I couldn’t believe how easy it was to be so mean.
Everyone had stopped their conversation to stare at us. Brice laughed at me, but everyone knew his laugh was more of a nervous laugh. I had gotten to him, and I hurt him. I was so tired of guys hurting me. It was time not to let them get away with being such jerks. Brice sat down next to me. I was sure he wanted to sit elsewhere, but our teacher, Mr. Sands told him to sit as the bell rang. Brice kept looking at me.
Finally he whispered over to me, “Selene, you bulldozed me, first of all. Second, are you completely oblivious to a guy flirting with you? The first rule is not to humiliate said guy.”
I was shocked he had the B. A. double L’s to talk to me after that.
“Brice, why would you want to flirt with a girl like me? My hair’s all frizzy, I have no makeup on, and I look like I just crawled out of a tomb. I couldn’t even promise you that I brushed my teeth this morning. My brother just died. Do you really think I want to shack up with some jock?”
He was smirking at me now. “I didn’t ask you to ‘shack up’ with me.” (He air quoted with his fingers when he said “shack up.”) “And if you ask me, so many girls wear too much makeup. I bet you feel all dead inside, but I saw a spark in your eyes earlier, and it just drew me in.”
Shikes! Why couldn’t people just let me be, and why, oh why, did he have to see the spark?
“Okay, fine, I am a terrible liar so I won’t lie about the spark, but I have to really question your sanity, superstar jock falling for the gloomy dead girl.”
“If you haven’t noticed, Selene, every girl around here is all peppy and in love with me. I can say and do what I want, and they just smile and grin at me. That just isn’t much fun. I think I can safely say that you won’t be all starry-eyed and dreamy about me.”
I muscled up a small smile. “You got that right!” They were the first light-hearted words I had spoken in a very long time, and it seemed very foreign. It almost hurt to feel anything. I almost hated Brice for making a part of me feel. I was even feeling guilty about thinking about hating him. My mom had always taught me what horrible sin it was to hate. Plus how could I hate the one person who brought feelings to me?
Although we had had this whole mushy encounter, I let our conversation die, and after class I went out in a flurry. Okay, so I felt something. That didn’t mean I wanted to be all into him or that it made sense to me. Truly, the minute you were no longer all into a boy, he liked you. I just wanted to get through my day, get home to my empty room and my empty life, and go to sleep. I carried on through the day with my invisibility, thankfully, and made it home.
Our house wasn’t much, just a tiny place that barely fit my family, but the roof didn’t leak and the fridge had food in it. Dustin and Destiny shared a room, but I assumed Dustin would eventually take over Levi’s room. That would be when we all could handle going in there. I had the smallest room in the house, and I was convinced it had no insulation. I had a bed and a dresser and enough floor space to change my clothes. I also had a closet that had to fit my whole life in it. It was my space, though, and truly I wanted to spend the rest of my life in my bed anyway. I threw my backpack down by my dresser and a pile of dirty clothes. I unlaced my ever-so-famous and favorite lace-up boots and tossed them into my opened closet door. I crawled into bed and covered up.
I was just about to fall asleep when the annoying ring of my cell phone went off. It sounded so happy and chipper and totally not me. I hadn’t changed it since I died inside, and I needed to find a more fitting ringtone. It was an unknown number. Normally I would have hit “ignore” and gone back to falling asleep, but I was intrigued as to who would be calling me. I hadn’t had a call in over a month. Most of my conversations were through text or IM.
“Hello, house of dead.”
Okay, it was lame, but it felt like the appropriate way to answer.
“Seriously, Selene, is that how you answer a phone? That isn’t even funny, and it is highly inappropriate.”
Crap! My mom’s voice rang through with hurt and disgust. I felt like the biggest schmuck alive.
“Sorry, Mom, you’re right. Won’t happen again.”
“That’s right it won’t happen again, and if it does, you won’t get the privilege of owning a phone. I know you are upset and today was probably a rough day. That’s why I snuck onto a reserved line at work to call you.”
I was a jack. It was really sweet of her to risk getting in trouble at work to call me.
“I am upset, Mom, but thank you for calling. I just really want to go to bed and be done for today, okay?”
My mom got her mommy voice and was all soothing and went on about how this was hard for all of us and how I couldn’t just sleep it away. She told me that she was glad I made it through day one, but tomorrow was day two. Ugh, I could not stand how she was just up and ready to move on. Couldn’t we all just be okay with dying inside? How was she even managing? I listened to her speech, and I knew as much as I wanted to be mad and yell at her, she was all I had left. I wanted her to be happy even if I couldn’t be. If us moving forward was how she thought she could find her happiness, then I would do it for her.
“Okay, I get it, Mom. I will get out of bed and do something normal kids do, okay?”
She let out a sigh. “Selene, I’m not asking you to fake it through life. Remember, one step at a time. I just need you to try and push yourself a little at a time. You’ll see. It will get better. It hurts, but WE didn’t die. We are supposed to honor Levi by getting through it and becoming stronger.”
I could hear her voice crack.
“All right, Mom, strength—I will find my strength. Love you. Bye.” I hung up as she was telling me she loved me. I understood what I must do, for Mom. I needed to pick my chin up, find my strength, and go on with daily life.
I didn’t think she understood how dead inside I was, but I couldn’t hurt her even more now by telling her that. I might not ever heal. I couldn’t seem to find the light no matter how hard I looked for it. I was trapped deep within my broken dark and damp soul. If my mom was finding the way to heal, I was happy that she could, and I would not be a burden. I could do this much for her. I could fake it through and find a way to go through the motions.
I went out to the kitchen and did the dishes. This was the chore that I hated most on the list of things to do. After that task was complete, I decided to do homework. I more just stared at it and tried scribbling mumbo jumbo in the spaces. It got done, but who knows about it even being close to right.
I heard my mom’s car pull in the garage, so I stayed in my spot, pretending to double-check my answers. Mom, Dustin, and Destiny walked in. D and D were both talking at the same time, telling Mom about their day at school and aftercare. I noticed that Dustin would say something and then Destiny would follow. One of them would make a joke that only they got, and then they would giggle. They were smiling, actually fully smiling and laughing. How could they laugh?
I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe. I felt my esophagus tighten. Why was God so mean? Why? So they got to keep each other. They had their dad, they had each other, and their life wasn’t so empty. Why did everything have to be taken from me? What was so wrong with me? I thought I was a good person. I didn’t go get drunk or high like the other kids. I was a virgin. I even loved my mother. I treated people nice. I went to church and to the teen’s group. So what? What did I ever do wrong that would bring such misery to me? How was I supposed to be all, “Thank you, God, for destroying my life and taking what mattered most to me”?
I had heard the lessons growing up, how God damned the wicked and uplifted the good. What did that make me? What did my God think of me? I really felt like it didn’t matter anymore. I had a place inside me that couldn’t deny that God existed, but really, did it matter what you did with your life? I had tried to do it the right way. I was a rule follower, and I even told my friends they were wrong and never gave into peer pressure. Then I saw girls like Bailey. She was a nasty, jerky, skanky girl, but she still had her daddy, she had her mom and her brother, and she came from money.
To make matters worse, not only did I have all these things taken from me, but also I now had to endure watching my younger siblings have what I didn’t. They were already rude and mean to me, and now they got to dance around and giggle together.
Okay, I needed to breathe. I needed to fake this for my mom. Ugh, I needed to go to sleep. I got up and walked over to my mom. “Hey, I did the dishes and my homework. That’s all I can handle. I love you, but good night.”
She gave me a sad but understanding look. “Selene, I love you too. Do you want me to wake you for dinner?”
“No, I’m not hungry.” I really wasn’t hungry at all. Food just did not seem important now.
“I will excuse you from dinner tonight, but I really want to start doing family dinners. Dustin, Destiny, say good night to your sister.”
Their little snickering and silly banter was interrupted. “Night,” they said at the same time and then went back to being all buddy-buddy.
“Night.” It came out more of a snarl than I intended. I realized that they annoyed me before, but now I didn’t even like them.
I walked off and couldn’t help thinking that a family dinner sounded horrible to me. We normally ate dinner and all, but not like formally at a table as a unit. How could Mom seriously implement an actual “family dinner” when our family was not complete? It was like she just wanted to continue on as if life without Levi was just a different day. I knew I was invited and all, but now I was going to be the outsider. As if life couldn’t get any crappier, now I really just needed to go to sleep. And that was just what I did.
Monday, February 13, 2012
sneak peak at Ch 1..Broken Within
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Broken Within
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Chapter 1
So there I was, completely, and utterly, alone.
The church was filled with sad and sobbing people. I was in the front pew. The pastor’s voice hummed in with what I knew were the ceremonial words spoken at many funerals I had been to in my short fifteen years of life. But this one was wrong. It was more than wrong; this had to be a nightmare.
I stayed in the silence of my mind. I died in the darkness of my heart. I wept in the loneliness of my soul.
They all saw me, a short, dark haired girl who had died in everything she was. They saw the girl who cried with a pale face and shell shocked eyes, they saw the pain and brokenness that carried through my tears, but what they didn’t see was the girl who died inside of me. To anyone else, this may sound like the same thing, but I knew the difference of the true darkness and destruction that gripped a hold of me. A devastation so real, so raw deep inside me that was greater than I could break free from. It consumed everything I was, and it ached down to my core.
My brother, my heart and soul, my protector and my best friend, was no more. Why not me, I snarled at God. Why did I have to be left here to feel this pain? It was unfair, and it was cruel. I hated that moment in my life, I hated that the one man I trusted was gone, and now I hated that God left me here broken, lost and tainted.
I had replayed Levi’s life a thousand times as we approached this horrid day. He was a teenage boy who had gotten caught up in the world of drugs and false acceptance from a group of kids. Each one was eccentric and unique in a way that blended together to form a popular version of misfits. In their world drugs were glorified as popular? This always baffled me more than anything. What was attractive about being a druggy? Levi had always baffled me with his choices though; he had a very unique style only he could pull off.
Levi wore expensive jeans that fit loose with either a band t-shirt or a fancy button up collar shirt. If it was colder out he would wear an expensive sweater or fancy jacket. At times you might have even seen him wear a suit to school for fun. He worked hard at the sea food restaurant to afford his style and his addiction. His hair was tight lock curls down to his chin and he had the same dark hair, dark eyes and olive complexion I had. He was a perfect boy version of me.
I felt that his being older only foreshadowed some of the stupidity that I would take part in. But never did I imagine his stupidity would bring him to his death. We were only two years apart, he was a junior in high school and I was still in eighth grade. How could I be fifteen years old and in eighth grade? Well, simple, I failed kindergarten. I know, right, who failed kindergarten? Me, Selene Liebe Seele. I couldn’t hold onto my emotions and was not “fit” for the next level. Talk about being made fun of!
Several months back Levi realized there was more to life than the stupidity of drugs, so he decided to walk away from it. He wanted to do it on his own. After months of trying, he realized he truly did have
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an addiction and would need professional help. This is when he presented to mom his plan. He already had tickets to one of his weirdo concerts, but after that, he was going to enter rehab. He aspired to open his own landscaping company and even presented to her his business proposal. This was the old Levi, very money minded and business oriented. He could achieve this goal and with a winning smile to seal the deal mom agreed to his conditions; let him leave for a two day concert with all his friends, and then he would be done with drugs forever.
The day Levi left we all kissed him goodbye, but I didn’t want to let him go. I lingered behind the rest of my family as they said their goodbyes and I pleaded for him to stay. I hugged him and told him how much I loved him, “I’ll miss you Levi” I said as tears burned in my eyes, I felt like a fool, but my stomach ached and my nervous were on overdrive. He nodded as if to say he would miss me too. “You don’t understand, I am really gonna miss you.” Levi looked into my eyes and lifted his face into a soft smile and he hugged me tightly, “it’s only three days, I won’t be gone long.” I nodded and swiped at the tears rolling down my cheek. He kissed my forehead and walked out to his car and drove off.
Levi and his friends arrived at the campsite where they would be staying during the two day concert. They built their fire after the site was pitched. It was one in the morning, and they were in Arkansas, which was around nine hours away from our cozy little Fort Wayne, Indiana. Levi got up after taking several different drugs; he told his friends “Gods calling me, man” and walked away. This was when he should have realized that drug buddies were not the same as true friends. No one followed him, and no one was concerned when he didn’t return that night. They assumed that he found other people to hang out with. But what really happened, that night? Levi disappeared.
My mom and stepdad flew to Arkansas and searched the town with the local police as soon as they got word of Levi’s disappearance. The search efforts were extensive and they even dredged the Mississippi River. We put up missing persons posters in Arkansas, Tennessee and Indiana. I felt my soul breaking the moment he left town. I understood why when I found out he was missing. My connection with Levi was like the kind of connection twins sometimes have. I knew in my heart he had died. But as much as I knew that, I was allowed to hope and dream for what my gut told me was wrong.
I had to carry on through school stuck in this horrible life of the unknown that made it impossible to find a sense of ease. My friends didn’t understand me. I was treated like an alien no one wanted to talk to. I mean, what could they say? “So, hey, Selene, I heard your brother is missing. He was a druggy, right? Oh, I’m sure he will be okay.” They would share their uneasy looks, I would know, just as they would that he was dead. I didn’t blame anyone, it’s not like there was a common protocol for situations like this. I just wished I had some power to disappear myself, at least from sight.
As days turned into weeks, it got easier to be a zombie at school, and as I went through the motions, I found a way to get through each day. This was about the time when my nemesis Bailey approached me in the lunch line. “Hey, Selene, I’m sorry about everything that’s going on. My brother Ben is friends with Levi, and I just wanted to let you know our family is praying for yours.”
My jaw dropped, but then tears filled my eyes. I did not want to start crying in front of everybody. I nodded my head and took a deep breath. “Thank you, Bailey. That means a lot to me.” This was not how
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Bailey normally treats me. I have dealt with her dirty looks and her bullying against me since sixth grade. Last year she even poured orange pop on my shirt during field day.
Bailey and I formed a strange bond and she was no longer my nemesis. Although it was strange, in the darkest hours of life, people just became people. All the drama just didn’t matter to me anymore. I started eating lunch at Bailey’s table after that. She was a girl no one messed with. She could be really nasty, but by the way she shielded me, I knew she had a heart. Bailey allowed me to be a zombie without question. She didn’t give me uneasy looks or make me feel like I had to talk. Bailey also would still talk to me as if I were there. The best I could describe it was that she was good about not talking about the obvious without disrespecting what was deep inside me.
It had been almost four weeks (twenty-six days, to be exact) when my mom received a call from the detective working on Levi’s disappearance. They found a body washed up on the side of the Mississippi River. The description of my brother could fit, but the body was beginning to disintegrate from being in the water so long. They were taking the body to the morgue, and they were going to do an autopsy and would need Levi’s dental records.
As if I hadn’t already known the truth in my heart, I knew even more then that it was his body. My mom tried to stay positive and told me it might not be him, so we shouldn’t jump to conclusions. My stepdad was silent. My other two siblings were so young that they weren’t included in the details. Mom just told them that they might have found him. It was going to take time to find out the truth, and I prayed even heavier that, if he really was gone, it would be his body so our family could have peace. Twenty-six days of not knowing was like sticking a knife halfway into your heart, never fully killing you, but always causing pain. It was a nagging feeling of wanting someone just to drive it the rest of the way in or yank it out.
I wanted to stay locked inside until we had a definite answer, but my mom told me I couldn’t live that way. What if it wasn’t him? I couldn’t shut down every time a “what if” came in. She was wise. I would have gone crazy, and school was something to do. The next couple of days were filled with anticipation of the truth. Three days after we heard of the body, I felt the truth deep within my soul. It was stronger than I could explain. It grew heavier and heavier, and by lunchtime I couldn’t hold it in. I stopped short of the lunchroom, went straight to the payphone, and dialed home. My mom answered with a weak hello.
In a shaky voice, I said, “It was him, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, Selene. I’m on my way.”
It wasn’t until I was in my bed that night that I had my first clear thought: “How?” I tried to focus on the things my mom had said about the autopsy. She had read the report that they faxed to her: “no foul play,” “no rail on the river’s edge.” There was not much left of his clothing. In the one pocket remaining of his pants, they found drug paraphernalia. Of course they would find that, and it would be forever documented as part of his end.
4 | P a g e
I was very disturbed that his last words were “God’s calling me, man.” The friends that were with him had told us very little. He had been on three different drugs that night, and he said that phrase as he walked away. I had to wonder if he went into the river willingly or if he had stumbled upon it and lost his footing. Being raised in church, I had one thing that rang clear to me, and it was the very thing that took my breath form me: a pastor’s voice saying, “People who commit suicide go to hell.”
I could not believe that Levi had committed suicide. My brother loved God, he even carried his King James Bible everywhere he went and preached to his friends, he just wasn’t the suicide type. But it was not only a possibility, but also what the autopsy had claimed for the cause of death. Since he was on all those drugs and this had been his last hurrah, I could see it going one of two ways. In the wrong state, I could see him going to the river to wash his sin away; preparing for his return home to a sober life, underestimating the current and undertow. Or he had decided he couldn’t change. What exactly did he mean by “God’s calling me”?
Levi had almost drowned two other times in his life, was he destined to drown? I prayed and I questioned and I got mad at God. I just wanted Levi back. I knew this was not an option, so I settled on needing an answer, the only one that truly mattered: Where was Levi now? I dozed off to sleep as I prayed, while my brother’s body was flying home in a body bag.
I was sleeping in my brother’s bed and woke up to my cell phone ringing. It was daylight, and my best friend Alex (short for Alexandria) was there. She was my complete opposite, tall and skinny with mousy blonde hair. She was curled up on Levi’s couch still asleep. I answered the phone.
“Hello, Selene?” It was Levi’s voice.
“Levi, Levi, where are you?” I sat straight up in the bed and tightened my grip on the phone.
“Selene, relax. I’m fine.” He was calm, and his voice was so sweet. He usually had a way of soothing my fears but nothing would soothe me until he was safe at home.
“NO, LEVI! Where are you?” I urged, and I started to ramble. “Are you lost? What do you see? There must be something so we can find you.”
“Selene, you can’t come find me.” He insisted.
“Are you hurt? Come on, just help me. I can find you.”
Levi was just as calm as he was at the beginning of our conversation. “Selene, I am fine. You can’t find me where I am, but you will see me again.”
“What does that mean, Levi? I don’t understand!” I was yelling, ready to crack into a cry. Levi replied, “The mirrors surround a cloud of dust, which separates me from you. When the stars shoot forward to the existence of life, it is then when the dust meets the stars. And it is then when I will see you again.” And then he hung up.
5 | P a g e
Alex woke up to my yelling. She cocked her head and looked at me as she blinked a few times. She scrunched her eyebrows in and her mouth started to open. Tears filled my eyes, I held out my hand to stop her from talking. I shook my head no, I sucked in a deep breath and then let it out slowly, finally I repeated what Levi had said, not understanding what he meant?
Alex looked at me nonchalantly, shrugged her shoulders and said, “It means he is in heaven.”
That was when I woke for real. It was still dark out, and I was alone and in my bed, not Levi’s. It was a dream, but to me it was also an answer. God had just granted me peace of knowing where Levi was for the rest of my life with that dream. I would never once doubt it again.
The next week was the worst week of my life. I was not much for conversation. Letters, cards, and flowers poured in. Neighbors brought food and even necessities like toilet paper to support us through this time. It was bittersweet. The viewing came, and there were hundreds of people—family, friends, and people who I had never seen in my life, but they all knew Levi. We had two boxes in the back of the funeral parlor; one was a collection of money that would be given to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in Levi’s honor and one had blank cards for people to write down a memory of Levi. The memory box was touching and heart-wrenching to read, but I learned things about my brother I had never known. People’s memories made me see even more what an amazing person Levi had been.
My grandparents from my father’s side were there, and Grandpa was crying. I had never really seen any men cry before this, and now they all were. Grandpa got to me the most though. He was coughing uncontrollably, and I worried that day that Grandpa would be leaving us soon as well. My relationship with him was strained because of my father’s abandonment. But I knew my grandparents loved me. Grandpa even handed me a prayer coin with a butterfly on the front and the serenity prayer on the back: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. I shoved it in my purse and thanked him with a hug.
The rest of the viewing was a blur, as if a fog had hit my body. That brought me to here, in this retched pew, attending a ceremony that I would forever hate. I lost my sadness, I lost myself, and I lost my sense about me. In that very pew, I felt a powerful earthquake. It vibrated as the cracks made their way through my heart and my soul. It was in this exact moment when Selene was no more. The girl I knew as me was dead and gone.
It shot one last shockwave deeper inside me than I knew could exist as the preacher said, “Levi was a son and a brother.”
I heard the deepest, saddest sound I had ever heard in my entire life; the agonizing sob of death and the painful weeping of hatred. It was eerie and hard to listen to, and then I realized it was coming from me. I tried to stop it but it was out of my control.
Flashes of my life with Levi came storming in, like the time he held me as I cried when I wished I could remember our dad, and the times he kept me safe while walking home from school in the ghetto. Glimpses of the laughter, the jokes and the life we shared that no one else knew flew through my mind
6 | P a g e
like a whirlwind. We had so much fun together before the drugs consumed him. Then the darkness swept away those great memories as the hope I had had for his sober life, was now murdered by his death.
My family wrapped me in their arms, and they held me. I felt so far away from them even in their closeness. I was alone no matter how hard I searched for their nearness. It was not to be found. It was like my soul had left me and was trapped in this dark tunnel deep in the farthest, darkest hole in my mind, it tried to pound on the unbreakable glass wall. It tried to break free, but the darkness held her there, and I knew she would be lost there forever.
Broken Within
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Chapter 1
So there I was, completely, and utterly, alone.
The church was filled with sad and sobbing people. I was in the front pew. The pastor’s voice hummed in with what I knew were the ceremonial words spoken at many funerals I had been to in my short fifteen years of life. But this one was wrong. It was more than wrong; this had to be a nightmare.
I stayed in the silence of my mind. I died in the darkness of my heart. I wept in the loneliness of my soul.
They all saw me, a short, dark haired girl who had died in everything she was. They saw the girl who cried with a pale face and shell shocked eyes, they saw the pain and brokenness that carried through my tears, but what they didn’t see was the girl who died inside of me. To anyone else, this may sound like the same thing, but I knew the difference of the true darkness and destruction that gripped a hold of me. A devastation so real, so raw deep inside me that was greater than I could break free from. It consumed everything I was, and it ached down to my core.
My brother, my heart and soul, my protector and my best friend, was no more. Why not me, I snarled at God. Why did I have to be left here to feel this pain? It was unfair, and it was cruel. I hated that moment in my life, I hated that the one man I trusted was gone, and now I hated that God left me here broken, lost and tainted.
I had replayed Levi’s life a thousand times as we approached this horrid day. He was a teenage boy who had gotten caught up in the world of drugs and false acceptance from a group of kids. Each one was eccentric and unique in a way that blended together to form a popular version of misfits. In their world drugs were glorified as popular? This always baffled me more than anything. What was attractive about being a druggy? Levi had always baffled me with his choices though; he had a very unique style only he could pull off.
Levi wore expensive jeans that fit loose with either a band t-shirt or a fancy button up collar shirt. If it was colder out he would wear an expensive sweater or fancy jacket. At times you might have even seen him wear a suit to school for fun. He worked hard at the sea food restaurant to afford his style and his addiction. His hair was tight lock curls down to his chin and he had the same dark hair, dark eyes and olive complexion I had. He was a perfect boy version of me.
I felt that his being older only foreshadowed some of the stupidity that I would take part in. But never did I imagine his stupidity would bring him to his death. We were only two years apart, he was a junior in high school and I was still in eighth grade. How could I be fifteen years old and in eighth grade? Well, simple, I failed kindergarten. I know, right, who failed kindergarten? Me, Selene Liebe Seele. I couldn’t hold onto my emotions and was not “fit” for the next level. Talk about being made fun of!
Several months back Levi realized there was more to life than the stupidity of drugs, so he decided to walk away from it. He wanted to do it on his own. After months of trying, he realized he truly did have
2 | P a g e
an addiction and would need professional help. This is when he presented to mom his plan. He already had tickets to one of his weirdo concerts, but after that, he was going to enter rehab. He aspired to open his own landscaping company and even presented to her his business proposal. This was the old Levi, very money minded and business oriented. He could achieve this goal and with a winning smile to seal the deal mom agreed to his conditions; let him leave for a two day concert with all his friends, and then he would be done with drugs forever.
The day Levi left we all kissed him goodbye, but I didn’t want to let him go. I lingered behind the rest of my family as they said their goodbyes and I pleaded for him to stay. I hugged him and told him how much I loved him, “I’ll miss you Levi” I said as tears burned in my eyes, I felt like a fool, but my stomach ached and my nervous were on overdrive. He nodded as if to say he would miss me too. “You don’t understand, I am really gonna miss you.” Levi looked into my eyes and lifted his face into a soft smile and he hugged me tightly, “it’s only three days, I won’t be gone long.” I nodded and swiped at the tears rolling down my cheek. He kissed my forehead and walked out to his car and drove off.
Levi and his friends arrived at the campsite where they would be staying during the two day concert. They built their fire after the site was pitched. It was one in the morning, and they were in Arkansas, which was around nine hours away from our cozy little Fort Wayne, Indiana. Levi got up after taking several different drugs; he told his friends “Gods calling me, man” and walked away. This was when he should have realized that drug buddies were not the same as true friends. No one followed him, and no one was concerned when he didn’t return that night. They assumed that he found other people to hang out with. But what really happened, that night? Levi disappeared.
My mom and stepdad flew to Arkansas and searched the town with the local police as soon as they got word of Levi’s disappearance. The search efforts were extensive and they even dredged the Mississippi River. We put up missing persons posters in Arkansas, Tennessee and Indiana. I felt my soul breaking the moment he left town. I understood why when I found out he was missing. My connection with Levi was like the kind of connection twins sometimes have. I knew in my heart he had died. But as much as I knew that, I was allowed to hope and dream for what my gut told me was wrong.
I had to carry on through school stuck in this horrible life of the unknown that made it impossible to find a sense of ease. My friends didn’t understand me. I was treated like an alien no one wanted to talk to. I mean, what could they say? “So, hey, Selene, I heard your brother is missing. He was a druggy, right? Oh, I’m sure he will be okay.” They would share their uneasy looks, I would know, just as they would that he was dead. I didn’t blame anyone, it’s not like there was a common protocol for situations like this. I just wished I had some power to disappear myself, at least from sight.
As days turned into weeks, it got easier to be a zombie at school, and as I went through the motions, I found a way to get through each day. This was about the time when my nemesis Bailey approached me in the lunch line. “Hey, Selene, I’m sorry about everything that’s going on. My brother Ben is friends with Levi, and I just wanted to let you know our family is praying for yours.”
My jaw dropped, but then tears filled my eyes. I did not want to start crying in front of everybody. I nodded my head and took a deep breath. “Thank you, Bailey. That means a lot to me.” This was not how
3 | P a g e
Bailey normally treats me. I have dealt with her dirty looks and her bullying against me since sixth grade. Last year she even poured orange pop on my shirt during field day.
Bailey and I formed a strange bond and she was no longer my nemesis. Although it was strange, in the darkest hours of life, people just became people. All the drama just didn’t matter to me anymore. I started eating lunch at Bailey’s table after that. She was a girl no one messed with. She could be really nasty, but by the way she shielded me, I knew she had a heart. Bailey allowed me to be a zombie without question. She didn’t give me uneasy looks or make me feel like I had to talk. Bailey also would still talk to me as if I were there. The best I could describe it was that she was good about not talking about the obvious without disrespecting what was deep inside me.
It had been almost four weeks (twenty-six days, to be exact) when my mom received a call from the detective working on Levi’s disappearance. They found a body washed up on the side of the Mississippi River. The description of my brother could fit, but the body was beginning to disintegrate from being in the water so long. They were taking the body to the morgue, and they were going to do an autopsy and would need Levi’s dental records.
As if I hadn’t already known the truth in my heart, I knew even more then that it was his body. My mom tried to stay positive and told me it might not be him, so we shouldn’t jump to conclusions. My stepdad was silent. My other two siblings were so young that they weren’t included in the details. Mom just told them that they might have found him. It was going to take time to find out the truth, and I prayed even heavier that, if he really was gone, it would be his body so our family could have peace. Twenty-six days of not knowing was like sticking a knife halfway into your heart, never fully killing you, but always causing pain. It was a nagging feeling of wanting someone just to drive it the rest of the way in or yank it out.
I wanted to stay locked inside until we had a definite answer, but my mom told me I couldn’t live that way. What if it wasn’t him? I couldn’t shut down every time a “what if” came in. She was wise. I would have gone crazy, and school was something to do. The next couple of days were filled with anticipation of the truth. Three days after we heard of the body, I felt the truth deep within my soul. It was stronger than I could explain. It grew heavier and heavier, and by lunchtime I couldn’t hold it in. I stopped short of the lunchroom, went straight to the payphone, and dialed home. My mom answered with a weak hello.
In a shaky voice, I said, “It was him, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, Selene. I’m on my way.”
It wasn’t until I was in my bed that night that I had my first clear thought: “How?” I tried to focus on the things my mom had said about the autopsy. She had read the report that they faxed to her: “no foul play,” “no rail on the river’s edge.” There was not much left of his clothing. In the one pocket remaining of his pants, they found drug paraphernalia. Of course they would find that, and it would be forever documented as part of his end.
4 | P a g e
I was very disturbed that his last words were “God’s calling me, man.” The friends that were with him had told us very little. He had been on three different drugs that night, and he said that phrase as he walked away. I had to wonder if he went into the river willingly or if he had stumbled upon it and lost his footing. Being raised in church, I had one thing that rang clear to me, and it was the very thing that took my breath form me: a pastor’s voice saying, “People who commit suicide go to hell.”
I could not believe that Levi had committed suicide. My brother loved God, he even carried his King James Bible everywhere he went and preached to his friends, he just wasn’t the suicide type. But it was not only a possibility, but also what the autopsy had claimed for the cause of death. Since he was on all those drugs and this had been his last hurrah, I could see it going one of two ways. In the wrong state, I could see him going to the river to wash his sin away; preparing for his return home to a sober life, underestimating the current and undertow. Or he had decided he couldn’t change. What exactly did he mean by “God’s calling me”?
Levi had almost drowned two other times in his life, was he destined to drown? I prayed and I questioned and I got mad at God. I just wanted Levi back. I knew this was not an option, so I settled on needing an answer, the only one that truly mattered: Where was Levi now? I dozed off to sleep as I prayed, while my brother’s body was flying home in a body bag.
I was sleeping in my brother’s bed and woke up to my cell phone ringing. It was daylight, and my best friend Alex (short for Alexandria) was there. She was my complete opposite, tall and skinny with mousy blonde hair. She was curled up on Levi’s couch still asleep. I answered the phone.
“Hello, Selene?” It was Levi’s voice.
“Levi, Levi, where are you?” I sat straight up in the bed and tightened my grip on the phone.
“Selene, relax. I’m fine.” He was calm, and his voice was so sweet. He usually had a way of soothing my fears but nothing would soothe me until he was safe at home.
“NO, LEVI! Where are you?” I urged, and I started to ramble. “Are you lost? What do you see? There must be something so we can find you.”
“Selene, you can’t come find me.” He insisted.
“Are you hurt? Come on, just help me. I can find you.”
Levi was just as calm as he was at the beginning of our conversation. “Selene, I am fine. You can’t find me where I am, but you will see me again.”
“What does that mean, Levi? I don’t understand!” I was yelling, ready to crack into a cry. Levi replied, “The mirrors surround a cloud of dust, which separates me from you. When the stars shoot forward to the existence of life, it is then when the dust meets the stars. And it is then when I will see you again.” And then he hung up.
5 | P a g e
Alex woke up to my yelling. She cocked her head and looked at me as she blinked a few times. She scrunched her eyebrows in and her mouth started to open. Tears filled my eyes, I held out my hand to stop her from talking. I shook my head no, I sucked in a deep breath and then let it out slowly, finally I repeated what Levi had said, not understanding what he meant?
Alex looked at me nonchalantly, shrugged her shoulders and said, “It means he is in heaven.”
That was when I woke for real. It was still dark out, and I was alone and in my bed, not Levi’s. It was a dream, but to me it was also an answer. God had just granted me peace of knowing where Levi was for the rest of my life with that dream. I would never once doubt it again.
The next week was the worst week of my life. I was not much for conversation. Letters, cards, and flowers poured in. Neighbors brought food and even necessities like toilet paper to support us through this time. It was bittersweet. The viewing came, and there were hundreds of people—family, friends, and people who I had never seen in my life, but they all knew Levi. We had two boxes in the back of the funeral parlor; one was a collection of money that would be given to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in Levi’s honor and one had blank cards for people to write down a memory of Levi. The memory box was touching and heart-wrenching to read, but I learned things about my brother I had never known. People’s memories made me see even more what an amazing person Levi had been.
My grandparents from my father’s side were there, and Grandpa was crying. I had never really seen any men cry before this, and now they all were. Grandpa got to me the most though. He was coughing uncontrollably, and I worried that day that Grandpa would be leaving us soon as well. My relationship with him was strained because of my father’s abandonment. But I knew my grandparents loved me. Grandpa even handed me a prayer coin with a butterfly on the front and the serenity prayer on the back: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. I shoved it in my purse and thanked him with a hug.
The rest of the viewing was a blur, as if a fog had hit my body. That brought me to here, in this retched pew, attending a ceremony that I would forever hate. I lost my sadness, I lost myself, and I lost my sense about me. In that very pew, I felt a powerful earthquake. It vibrated as the cracks made their way through my heart and my soul. It was in this exact moment when Selene was no more. The girl I knew as me was dead and gone.
It shot one last shockwave deeper inside me than I knew could exist as the preacher said, “Levi was a son and a brother.”
I heard the deepest, saddest sound I had ever heard in my entire life; the agonizing sob of death and the painful weeping of hatred. It was eerie and hard to listen to, and then I realized it was coming from me. I tried to stop it but it was out of my control.
Flashes of my life with Levi came storming in, like the time he held me as I cried when I wished I could remember our dad, and the times he kept me safe while walking home from school in the ghetto. Glimpses of the laughter, the jokes and the life we shared that no one else knew flew through my mind
6 | P a g e
like a whirlwind. We had so much fun together before the drugs consumed him. Then the darkness swept away those great memories as the hope I had had for his sober life, was now murdered by his death.
My family wrapped me in their arms, and they held me. I felt so far away from them even in their closeness. I was alone no matter how hard I searched for their nearness. It was not to be found. It was like my soul had left me and was trapped in this dark tunnel deep in the farthest, darkest hole in my mind, it tried to pound on the unbreakable glass wall. It tried to break free, but the darkness held her there, and I knew she would be lost there forever.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
3 days
I can't believe it's finally so close. I smell the ink on the freshly bound books that carry my name on the cover. I, Amber Plum am an author! I am amazed daily where the path has taken me. I am blessed that the Lord believed in me and opened door after door to get me here. This is so much more than me, it is so much bigger than me. I never want to forget how this happened, what I pulled from to write and most importantly who guided me and gave me the courage to make my story print. Thank you Lord I am blessed and amazed daily.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Poem...
I held on to you, I screamed for you, I cried for you.
But you were not you all along.
You lied to me, you shied to me, you never told me who you were.
I never knew you all along.
I dreamed for you, I pleaded to you, I begged you to be who you weren't.
I hated you.
I learned from you, I grew from you, I gained my strength from what you have done.
I can't thank you for that but then again I can.
I can forgive you and release you, I can pray for you.
I can't forget, I can't erase the pain, but I can grow.
I can't love you, I can't want you or need you, but again I say I can pray.
I can forgive, I can live.
I can smile today because I am free.
Free of the hate, the darkness, the self loathing.
I am free of the world you and I once lived in.
You don't grip me, you only trip me.
You don't bind me, you only remind me.
You only live for me, but he died for me!
But you were not you all along.
You lied to me, you shied to me, you never told me who you were.
I never knew you all along.
I dreamed for you, I pleaded to you, I begged you to be who you weren't.
I hated you.
I learned from you, I grew from you, I gained my strength from what you have done.
I can't thank you for that but then again I can.
I can forgive you and release you, I can pray for you.
I can't forget, I can't erase the pain, but I can grow.
I can't love you, I can't want you or need you, but again I say I can pray.
I can forgive, I can live.
I can smile today because I am free.
Free of the hate, the darkness, the self loathing.
I am free of the world you and I once lived in.
You don't grip me, you only trip me.
You don't bind me, you only remind me.
You only live for me, but he died for me!
Broken Within
5 days, that's right it is finally approaching. I will link on the 15th. For many of you who know me personally this day is not just any day. I wrote this book series in memory of my brother. I felt it made perfect sense when the release date worked out to be on his birthday. Just shows me God always knows what he is doing. <3
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