Sneak peak, chapter 1 of "Lost"

I cannot remember ever sleeping as well as I did last night. God’s song to me brought me such peace and ease. I missed him terribly as I woke. Amazingly a part of me felt less empty. Like the embers that smolder under the wood before it becomes a true flame. It was the warmth of my Lord that I felt in my heart. He left a part of that within me to carry me as He placed his hand on my chest. I couldn’t decide how I felt about the new part of me. I loved what was left in me by Him, but I knew my quest to becoming a prophet was just beginning.
This started so far back with the abandonment of my father. I see it all so clearly now. The sadness and the pain only got worse when my beloved brother Levi was taken from me. The darkness that I have grown to know so well has always been the evils of Abaddon. He has been whittling away at what I desire most; love. As much as I can see and even understand all that Abaddon has done to hurt me, I also can’t help but love him.
God told me that I learned to control myself and that I learned to be kind in the war against my rapist. Poor Emerson, I do not hate him for what he did to me. I saw the sickness in his head and I knew then that it was all Abaddon and his temptations that taunt us all. When I forgave Em it hurt Abaddon severely and angered him greatly. In the beginning, I knew I had to avoid Abaddon’s temptations. Everything with him exists in the spiritual realm, and he only has the authority I give him when I let him pull me while in my dreams. They are more frightening than dreams though. What choices I make in that world I call the abyss, would carry through into my wakeful world.
My whole life I had blamed God for the bad things that have come to me. I know now that Abaddon whispers in all of our heads. He tempts us to walk away from God and harm each other. God’s hands are tied by our gift of free will. It is our choices together that make the world what it is. It seems to be one of those things that is just so simple you miss it.
I am very frightened now that I know this was just one of many attacks against me. I only made Abaddon mad last night. I am unsure if he will continue his mission to taunt me nightly in my dreams, or if he has other things planned to try and break me. I tremble at the thought of what more he can do to me. But as wrong as it sounds, I don’t want him to go. It doesn’t make sense, but as grotesque as he is, he is also beautiful and I love him as much as I hate him.
My mom would tell me it is wrong to hate. But I know no other way to describe my complete and utter loathing I harbor against Abaddon. I, also, shamefully lust for him. There is only one greater love than his. The love of the Lord is the only tool I have against him and my only strength to resist him. I am sure being a called prophet does not make things easier for me, and I don’t know if I even like it. But, I have accepted it.
I heard rustling next to me and looked over. I had almost forgotten where I was. Bitzy rolled over to her back. She stretched and then settled back in. It was interesting to watch people as they slept. She was even more like a perfect porcelain doll when she lay there motionless. Her hair was still perfect with dark blonde waves and her skin was so flawless. She was so understanding when I told her about Abaddon last night. She has proved to be a great friend.
I just waited for her to come around. When she finally did crack open her eyes she looked at me and remembered the night I was going to face. “Well, you’re alive,” she was half smiling. How was I going to explain this all to her? “Yes, I am alive, but I pissed Abaddon off greatly,” I looked away thinking through the night. “Let’s just say I won this battle but not the war. I fueled my attacker and he will be back with a stronger vengeance.”
She cocked her head at me and shrugged her shoulders with a half smile “Did you kick his butt?” That is my Bitzy alright. I was smiling at her now. I explained the whole thing to her. There was really no other way. I told her about Abaddon, how he looked and how he smelled. I noticed Bitzy was very uneasy, but I continued on. I told her about being trapped in the glass room and how Em appeared in the room. I explained how the rape was replayed in front of me and that I was able to hear his thoughts. I let her know how badly I wanted to kill him and Abaddon. She was really studying me and my words. I finished by telling her about God placing his hand on my heart and singing me to sleep.
We sat there for a long time without another word. I noticed Bitzy was really processing something. “What is it Bitzy, you think I am crazy right?” She was shaking her head in disbelief “No far from it, if you are crazy that would mean I am too.” I made a gesture to beg her to explain. She sucked in a long breath “I think I saw that Abaddon dude, in my dreams. I thought it was just bizarre and maybe a weird occurrence, but I remember his smell. Oh man I could never forget that smell.”
She was closing her eyes and I could see her delight as she remembered Abaddon. “Do not let him tempt you, he will try to turn you against me, even hurt me Bitzy. Please stay strong.” I looked down to my lap I felt like a jackhammer. “I am sorry I brought you into this,” I felt the tears build up in my eyes. Bitzy leaned close to me and put her hand on my shoulder. “It was really weird. I wouldn’t have even made the connection if it weren’t for his smell,” I nodded. “What was it like?”
Bitzy told me about her dream. It began in darkness, as all my encounters do with him. A crescent moon appeared with a violet glow. She was wearing a vivid yellow dress. It was long and flowing. Her hair was beautiful in an elaborate formal style. She heard the ever so famous beginning of Beethoven’s Fur Elise. A handsome man came in dressed in a dark navy blue pinstriped suit, showcased under a glow of light
He smelled of the most divine dessert, dark chocolate that tantalized her nose. He was the most elegant man she had ever seen. His hair was dark with natural highlights. It was swept back in a suave fashion. His skin was perfect, not a blemish to be found. He was the perfect height for her and the perfect build. He was her exact taste. Had she compiled a list of the most amazing man this would be him. He had danced for her, flaunting his beauty, or perfection more like it.
As he reached her, still frozen in her spot in awe of him, he reached out a hand to invite her to dance. He looked into her eyes and she noticed how beautiful his eyes were. They were like her father’s eyes, large mocha brown with flecks of copper. They twinkled at her and invited her in and she accepted his hand. The music instantly changed at their touch.
They began to dance the Tango. He executed it with great skill as she kept pace to his lead. It should have been the most amazing and seductive dance she had ever danced. But no matter how perfect he was, she could feel the evil penetrate her through his touch. It was hard to ignore how beautiful this man was but the way he made her feel turned her away from his perfection.
She felt as if there were spiders crawling in her hair, and tiny maggots crackling like pop rocks under her flesh. When she looked down at her arm it looked the same as it always had. She felt like there were fire ants in her throat and parasitic worms in her stomach. He made her sick and he disgusted her more than she knew to be disgusted.
She managed to keep her composure through their dance but at the end he kissed her hand as many gentlemen may do. She threw up in her mouth as he placed one more kiss on her cheek causing her to projectile vomit off to the side. In an evil voice he said “Be kind little Bitzy, be kind.” He glared at her and she shook her head at him. “I don’t know who you are, but I know I do not want to be near you.”
He stepped a step back from her, and she grew fonder of him. His scent took over the feeling he gave her and his charming appearance erased the disgust she had just seconds ago. It made no sense at all. She knew that she loved him and feared him equally the same. “I am the man you dream for Bitzy, the man who will love you. Stick with me, my prize, and you will want for nothing.”
“I already have all that I want,” she said it with confidence and he nodded with a devilish grin. He swiped his arm from left to right at the scene and it changed to darkness. He left her and his scent had gone too. That is when she awoke.
We compared the difference between who Abaddon was to us. I understood that Bitzy did not have the gift I had, to see him for what he was. He could fool her with his charms, but she could feel his evil. He made her physically sick at his touch. A gift I did not have. We talked about all the things that enticed us about him. It was amazing that the very thing he could not hide from me was the thing that drew her into him. It was the same for her. She could not even fathom his beastly appearance next to the beauty she saw.
We had talked about Abaddon for what seemed like a long time. This is what he wanted. I felt it in me. I felt wrong to carry on about my lust for him. I stopped Bitzy as she went on about how beautiful his eyes were. “We need to remember he is evil Bitzy, it is wrong to want him.” She nodded and looked ashamed of herself too. “Let’s get ready and head over to my house.” We still had to celebrate my birthday with my mom, Tom, Dustin and Destiny.
We got up and I walked to the upstairs bathroom to brush my teeth with my finger. I really need to leave a toothbrush in my purse for impromptu sleepovers. When I walked in, Linden was standing at the sink in just his pajama pants. Shikes he’s so hot! His skin was tight around his muscles and his muscles, well they were great! Crap this is so wrong. I went to turn around and head back out to Bitzy’s room.
“It’s ok Selene, I don’t bite.” I looked back at him and he gave me one of those debonair smiles that made me melt. No! I do not need this right now. “It’s ok I can wait,” I was walking away and felt Linden grab the back of my shoulder. My heart skipped a beat and I wanted to be near him. “I am family remember, I promise I won’t try anything.” I wasn’t worried about him as much as my attraction to him.
I didn’t want to be so attracted to him. Not Linden. It just isn’t right, okay, he is my brother, I have to keep telling myself that. Family. Bleh he can’t be my brother, this is not going to work. Ok, chill. I turned back around and ignored his perfect bare chest and beautiful smile. I grabbed for the toothpaste and did my thing. We both finished awkwardly and walked out to different rooms.
I shut Bitzy’s door and leaned my back up against it and banged my head back. I took in a deep breath. Man, Linden is F.I.N.E. fine, but all wrong. There were not many hot older guys waiting for me to just say yes, but I know now more than ever, I never can. It was a shame too. I trust him and feel safe around him, which added to my attraction to him. He is like the good, bad boy. You just don’t find many of those. I made an oath to myself, as Bitzy’s friend, to never cross that line. Bitzy has told me before she wouldn’t mind, but we both know it would interfere with our friendship. She is all I really have so I will not risk it for anything.