Chapter 2 Lost

Bitzy and I went to my mom and Tom’s and did the big celebration of my sixteenth birthday. It actually was really nice. Tom got me a mechanic special and fixed it up. It was a navy blue Buick. I could look past the fact that it was big and boat-like because it was mine. The next step would be getting my driver’s license. They had a big bow on top of it. They hid the car out behind the house. Everyone said “surprise!” when they took me out back.
My mom had made my favorite banana cream pie with candles in it. Dustin and Destiny colored me a handcrafted card. I was glad to be back home and with my family. As much as D and D can drive me crazy they were part of me and I liked knowing they were there. Bitzy felt a part of it all too. She was family now. She joined in with them when they sang the treacherous birthday song completely out of key. It felt almost normal until I missed one voice. That one voice made all the difference in the world to me and it would never sing out of key again.
I missed Levi so much. The void in my life would never fill because of that pain. What God put in my heart was just not enough to drown it out. It chimed with every heart beat of mine. It was painful and unfair. I realized that Levi would never come back. I even missed him in my dreams. He was no longer dying each night in different ways. Abaddon took that from me too. Why couldn’t this all just end? I was so tired. I just wanted Levi here, I wanted things back to how they used to be.
I zombied out to the rest of my celebration, it was all I had left in me. I smiled when I was to smile and I ate when I was supposed to eat. That little bit of warmth God placed in my heart seemed so hard to locate. I didn’t deny that it was there, I just couldn’t feel it. I only feel the emptiness. I only saw my soul in my mind, in the glass room; still unable to break free.
When the day had ended, I was happy to be alone. Bitzy went home and I lay in my bed. I yearned to feel just a bit of peace before I slept, before I had to see my most hated love. I did all I could think to do, I prayed……..Lord, it’s me Selene. Of course you know who it is. Sorry. Umm, well. I don’t really know what to say… (I began to cry)...I am scared Lord. I am nothing and useless. I am weak, I am broken and I have no idea what I am doing……. I trust you but I don’t get it. I don’t like it and I am not too happy about all this…. Lord, it is just so hard. I don’t know why you are making me do this… Who am I but an invisible girl…? Who would ever listen to me? I have never been popular, I have never been too good at the whole friend thing, and boys just hurt me… Why can’t I have that one thing Lord? Give me love, with all that I will have to do to become this prophet. Don’t I at least deserve love? Why do I always have to be so alone? I hate being alone yet it is all I know. Where are MY blessings Lord. I hear about all these people who talk about being blessed. I see crooks get all the fortune, yet here I stand alone with everything I desire most, stripped away. You tell me I matter and that I am important, but I sure don’t feel that way! Why God? Why must I suffer, if you love me so much why won’t you make it stop? I know not to curse you so I won’t and I cannot deny you so I won’t do that either, but know I am mad Lord. I am hurt and heartbroken. There is not a whole lot left of my heart. I need to have love Lord, you should understand. I need it to heal, I need it to breathe. Please, I beg of you to just give me that one thing. Give me a guy to love me. I need someone (I sobbed into my pillow).
Oh also Lord, please be with Bitzy, don’t let Abaddon hurt her like he did me. I am already broken, Abaddon messing with me is painful but I am already here in the darkness. Poor Bitzy is a delightful ray of sunshine, don’t let that be destroyed. Ok Lord, I love you… Amen….. I continued to sob until I fell asleep.
*
I was at Northpoint High, home of the Bullfrogs. Everyone was standing in the commons area and I was in the corner crying. It was all too much to be in this school, where Levi went and now I am attending. People would pass by me and point, some would even laugh. What is their problem? I was so excited for the day that Levi and I would be at the same school together. Alas, it was here and he was gone.
We never made it. I felt ripped off, like my life had been stolen and would never be replaced. I buried my head into my legs and continued to cry. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up to see a girl named Roxy. We used to be friends before Levi disappeared and died. When our eyes met she said “why are you crying?” I felt like it was obvious but I didn’t waste the energy on attitude. I shrugged my shoulders “it’s just hard being here after Levi died.” She began to laugh at me too. Really? What is everyone’s problem around here? “You are weird Levi didn’t die.”
I felt the pang in my heart. “What do you mean I am weird? He died on spring break, remember?” She continued to laugh and looked at me as if I was insane and she pointed towards the pay phones. There he was, Levi in the flesh, alive and well and hanging out with his friends. I felt the heat flash trough me in embarrassment. It was just a dream; all of it was a bad dream. Levi, Brice, Em and Abaddon, none of it was real.
I was relieved and amazed at how messed up our minds can be. This, this was real. I wiped my tears from my eyes. Man that was a horrible nightmare. Thank God Levi wasn’t really gone. I felt the joy and happiness return to my heart and I felt normal, like the old Selene, or I should say the real Selene. That dead girl wasn’t real. It was a dream.
I started laughing insanely, hysterically. It was so shocking. I walked up to Levi and I was going to hug him. When I reached him it all slipped away. I reached out trying to grab onto him but it slipped further and further from me. I blinked until I saw my drab ceiling. Wait no, no it can’t be. That was real. It was so real Levi was alive. I sobbed at the recognition of the empty darkness in my soul.
The two worlds blended leaving me lost in confusion. I got out of bed and went to Levi’s room and walked in with hope and anticipation. It was void. No Levi. I fell to my knees and sobbed, I could still smell him in here. I breathed the smell in and I stayed on my knees almost paralyzed. None of us have been able to remove his existence from this room; it had been left the same as if he would someday return to it.
“Selene?” I heard my mom’s tired and soft voice crack in tears as she spoke my name. I couldn’t stop from sobbing “he is really gone mom, I still can’t believe he is really gone. But I know, I know that he is.” She knelt by me on the ground and wrapped her arms around me. She was sobbing as hard as I was. “Yes Selene he is really gone,” we both held each other as we sobbed.
We sat there for a long time. Neither of us spoke another word. As our sobs turned to spotty tears rolling down our cheeks my mom wiped a few away from her face. She grabbed my hand and we stood up together. It was still dark. My mom walked me out of Levi’s room and stopped at the door to my room. She kissed me and hugged me in a long tight hug. When she released me, we both parted ways.
I glanced at my alarm clock as I walked in my room. It was a little past one in the morning. I really need to try and get more sleep. In a morbid way I was thankful for seeing Levi in my dreams, even though it made the pain fresh and raw. I lay my head on the pillow and surprisingly fell right back to sleep.
*
I was in the dark abyss and I heard Abaddon’s menacing laugh in the distance. I was wearing my usual wardrobe of black fatigues and a black wife beater. Even my hairstyle and length never changed, still black and I always wore the same black paint on my face. But there was something different. There was a glow under my shirt where my heart would be. It was faint through the black shirt, but it was there.
I pulled back my top from my body to look down my shirt and my chest was glowing, in the shape of a doves head. I felt comforted by the light. It was always so dark in this abyss until Abaddon chose to let me see. The light was enough to be there so it wasn’t stark and bleak, completely void of a glimpse of anything other than darkness. I felt the warmth in my heart where the doves head sat and I knew it was the light of the Lord. I smiled. Abaddon’s laughter got closer.
Abaddon appeared in front of me as the darkness faded into moon light. I looked around to see what setting Abaddon had chosen. It was a wooded area. The trees all looked dead and leafless. The ground was dirt, no grass or weeds. There was no sign of life around. I could smell his rich, sweet, and spicy smell. It was amazing, every time I smelled him, I wanted to taste him so badly.
I looked at his beastly appearance. He looked the same as he always had. Our battle had not changed him at all. His size was huge like that of a grizzly bear and his skin was the skin of a shark, smooth and silky. I found him disgusting but with my curiosity I couldn’t help but wonder what he felt like. His coloring was a glowing scarlet. I found it beautiful but knew it should be disturbing. When I looked into his tiger eyes I was reminded of his danger, ready to attack at any moment.
He was the deadliest combination of the world’s most feared predators. His crocodile teeth made me wince away as his snake tongue darted out licking the milky venom from the sharpest points. I hated him, but could not stop myself from loving him. His words slipped out with a seductive tone “I will love you Selene, just give in to me.” It sounded so easy and I wanted to say yes more than anything.
He reached his hand out and touched my cheek with his finger. He started from my cheek bone and then drew it down my jaw line. He was like dry ice, so cold he was hot and it made me quiver down to my toes. I wanted to close my eyes and give into him. I wanted him, I wanted love, I wanted to just end all the madness.
I felt the dove head burn in my heart and it washed out the desire within me. It brought me to my strength and I was able to step away from him. I heard the growl deep in his chest. I pulled in a deep breath “I have told you my answer will always be No Abaddon!” He reached his hand up and then flung it at my face. He stopped a centimeter from hitting me. I felt the air that moved with his hand whip my cheek. It burned my flesh and my heart.
I felt the tears sting my eyes as I recoiled. His laugh was narcissistic and animalistic. His dramatic laugh ended with a hungry moan. “You tease me Belladonna. Don’t you know foolish girl the more you love Him the more I will seek you.” His hands were clasped and he was shaking his head slowly left and right “I am a jealous creature.” I was shocked that he referred to himself as a creature. Not a Dark Lord, or fallen angel, nothing but a creature.
“Why do you call yourself a creature Abaddon? Are you not a fallen Angel?” His lip curled up and his eyes narrowed as he let out a beastly whimper. The abyss started to crack, and parts of the darkness filtered back in. As if Abaddon could not control the illusion he surrounded me in. I could see the flaws in the seams of the earth and I could feel the inconsistencies of the air on my flesh. It was wet and dry at the same time. Even the noises surrounding me were odd as if it was sprinkling rocks and the ground sizzled like it was bacon.
He hissed “Be Gone!” he flung his arms up in the air and flew up into the sky. Everything crumbled as he disappeared and all the rubble hit the ground. It was darkness once more but I could feel the debris at my feet. I picked a handful up and held it near the light in my chest. It disintegrated into ash and fell through my fingers. The smell reminded me of freshly laid tar. Slowly it all faded, the smell and the ash until it was no more. The abyss was as it began and I was alone in it as I had started.
I was so tired I lay down on the dirt. I brought my knees into my chest and wrapped one arm around my legs while the other I used as a pillow. I wanted to sleep. I wanted my bed. I cannot believe he almost hit me. What made him stop? His frustration is making him angrier. This cannot be good for me. I am very afraid of what harm he can cause me in both my worlds. I felt the tears roll out of my eyes. “Lord how am I ever going to survive him?”
I wept for a long time, my face in the mud. I don’t deserve to succeed. I was stopped by the confident words of my almighty father “lift up your head child. I am not ashamed of you.” I looked up to find Him but He was nowhere in sight. I wiped the mud off my face and sat up. I was feeling anxious and wanted to be in His comfort, but it was only His voice that I heard. It was enough. “Remember my grace Selene. It is not about what you deserve. Have faith.”
I spent time in silence, no longer weeping. I was neither sad nor happy. I cleared my own thoughts and gave my mind a break. It was soothing and peaceful. I knew my peace was borrowed from the Lord. I have not known peace for some time now. It washed through me and filled me with a sense of ease. My anxiety decreased and I felt like I could breathe better than I had in a long time. With my panic attacks increasing lately, I really needed this peace.
I was interrupted from his peace by my alarm clock. I was pulled from the dark world to the world that was living. To a world where so many were ignorant to the evil whispering they hear. I was all too aware of it now, I recognized his voice. I knew this was a blessing even though I grew jealous of others. I wanted to be ignorant and irresponsible. I wanted to just talk about and think about normal teenage stuff.
To make matters worse, I am starting high school. Every part of me dreaded walking into my new school. It had nothing to do with all the new kids or the older kids. I didn’t even fear the larger setting and new locker combination. I should have been intimidated by the work load and higher expectations of educational standards, but I wasn’t. I feared the stares, the label.
There she is they will say. The girl who’s brother died. I will get the sad looks from those who loved Levi. I will get the “poor girl” looks from those who didn’t. The worst will be the sympathy friends. Girls like Bailey who wanted to be friends with the dead girl. It is all so meaningless. Who can I even trust as a true friend anymore? I don’t really know what all to expect, but I know I don’t want to face it. I want to hide in that little glass room where my soul has been weeping for so long.
I thought after the battle with Abaddon I would know how to release my soul. I wanted more than anything for her to break free, to be united with her once more. I wanted to be whole, I really did. She still weeps at times, but not as often. She mostly lies in convulsions, silent, numb, and cold. Some days she sits in the corner, almost lifeless. She will hum a tune filled with misery and hope. I don’t recognize it but I hear it in my head frequently. I have not decided if this is progress or the infinite abyss that chains my soul to its darkness.

The Claimed

I feel it within me.
This light, this love, this anointing.
I claim it, I sang it, I just br br brang it.
It spins me, it turns me, it rocks me to my core.
I pound it, I bound it, when it knocked upon my door.
It's vital.
It pulses, it bleeds, I truely truely need!
It's suicidal.
The death, the breath, the filth of its sin.
It's bred, it's fed, like tonic to the gin.
It fights, it reunites, it trys to claim me once more.
I am not Satan's whore!
He took me, He shook me, He washed my Scarlet shore.
No traces of the flood, it's washed away and replaced with love.
It flew, it fluttered, it was the symbol, it was the dove
No longer tarnished, silver shines once again.
The Destroyer may keep coming but he mustn't mustn't win.
For the Makers been my Taker,He's set me free.
The chains have been released you see.
Scars remain, to remind me of my pain.
I see them everyday, where my wrist were bound as I kneel to pray.